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A golden oldie – well, from 2010


An Englishman thinks seated; a Frenchman, standing;
an American, pacing; an Irishman, afterward. [Austin O’Malley]

Today’s headline should have been “Two heads with but not a single thought”, but I’ve discovered that you can’t have strike-throughs up ^ there.

How I envy those of you who know little or nothing of the identical and identically half-witted John & Edward Grimes, conflated (for ease of contemptuous dismissal) as Jedward. Gods, but Ireland, land of song, must be in a bad way if it couldn’t find anyone better to represent the country TWICE at Eurovision. Come to think of it, perhaps it was simply a cunning plan to ensure that Ireland didn’t win, thus saving the expense of staging it the following year – TWICE. Ni-i-i-i-i-ice one, RTE!

I am indebted to the incomparable Caitlin Moran in The Times for brightening my day by putting new wheels on this old typo of theirs. It was she, incidentally, who memorably described the pair of juvenile twonks as ‘a chive-haired Irish split zygote’. Anyway, being pathological publicity-whores, they once breathlessly announced to their (proctologist) fan on Twitter that:

“Edward broke a bowel at breakfast and then the cocopops went everywhere!”


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