London Olympics 2012. Repeat announcement

The great day of the opening ceremony – sorry, Opening Ceremony – dawns. Possibly 2% of the shallower and more infantile end of the national gene-pool will be all giggly and wobbly at the prospect of thousands of athletes, suffering from vanity-overload, prancing about in Lycra® as if sport matters. Otherwise, for the rest of us, <shrug> pfui!

Webwrights remains immensely proud to have been selected as the venue for both the Unicycle Polo and Motorcycle Wall-of-Death at this summer’s Olympic Games, and the Wheelchair Triple-jump at next month’s Paralympics. However, in defiance of LOCOG and the International Olympic Committee, Webwrights will be offering chips with all meals sold on this site (including our renowned signature dish, the soufflé suissesse d’ortolan truffé aux asperges et aux pistaches) despite McDonalds’ knuckle-headed desire to impose a monopoly in favour of its repellent extruded fat-sticks.

We will also be serving Pepsi-Cola rather than the other one, and in BUCKETS. Our stadium ATMs will accept payment by cards other than VISA; indeed, non-VISA cards will benefit from a 10% discount on all charges. Webwrights is wholly unconcerned by the threat of sanctions supposedly to be imposed by the risible band of uniformed Brand Police, a mighty 300 of whom (“wearing purple caps and tops”) will be patrolling the country in search of transgressors.

Furthermore, drivers will be permitted not only to drive but also to stop, park and barbecue in the “Zil lanes” surrounding the Webwrights stadium. Visitors to our events will be encouraged to wear large hats and political t-shirts, and to flourish golf umbrellas. Drugs, fireworks, pets and firearms are all similarly welcome. Any fatuous Wenlocks and Mandevilles discovered in the stadium will be dismembered by our pack of slavering, ill-trained pit-bulls.  Bring beer, sandwiches, cigarettes and vuvuzelas. Enjoy the Games free of branding and bureaucracy at Webwrights.

In the meantime – LOCOG, IOC, Brand Police, Transport for London and self-obsessed show-ponies of all nations – this is for you:

A Public Service Announcment brought to you by Webwrights Picture Archives (Zug) GmbH, Webwrights Photomanipulations (Cayman) Ltd., Webwrights Editing (Andorra) SA, Webwrights Design Studios (Genève) S.A.R.L, Webwrights Artists’ Agency (Jersey) Ltd. and the partners and staff of Webwrights Productions (Bermuda) LLP.